When I was a little girl, Friday nights were for grocery shopping. My parents would load my sisters and I into the car, drive down the hill, through the covered bridge, and into town. I grew up in rural New Brunswick so “town” was one street with one shopping centre consisting of a grocery store, a pharmacy, a convenience store, and a fried chicken restaurant. Past the pharmacy was an open staircase that led to a second level of business offices.
I loved Friday nights! My mother would let me help push the cart and I always got to add extras - treats for us as well as our menagerie of pets.
Sometimes my mother would turn a blind eye and let us race through the courtyard, running up the stairs and back down. Those nights were the best!
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The week before the world shut down, I accompanied my son’s class on a field trip to the local waste management centre. Part of the trip was indoors, several floors up a winding open staircase. I remember Topher taking the inside, tucking his little arm into mine, while I placed each foot carefully on the step in front of me. I couldn’t bring myself to look over the edge.
What a far cry from racing up and down the stairs in the courtyard!
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Eleven and a half years of motherhood has changed me. Things that would have never crossed my mind as a little girl keep me up at night.
What if one of my kids has an allergic reaction to something?
What if one of them runs into traffic?
What if there’s a school shooting?
What if Topher gets hurt in hockey?
What if Ellie gives in to peer pressure?
What if, what if, what if …
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When I was a little girl I focused on the fun and adventure of that open staircase. As an adult I focus on my fear of the empty space. I look at what’s NOT there instead of what is, worrying about what could happen instead of concentrating on the solid step beneath my feet.
All too often I forget about the God who created me, and the fact that the same God created my kids.
On Christ, the solid rock I stand.
It’s a lesson that I need to learn over and over and over again: How to parent with an open mind and open hands. I constantly have to remind myself that I don’t have to be a perfect mother, I just need to do my best as a co-worker with a sovereign God. And - this is the hard part! - trust that He knows what He’s doing, and has a plan for my kids’ lives, no matter what happens.
This post is part of a blog hop with Exhale—an online community of women pursuing creativity alongside motherhood, led by the writing team behind Coffee + Crumbs. Click here to view the next post in the series "Unmaking Fears".