Yesterday was my birthday. I spent a good chunk of the day sitting in a lab for a second glucose screen (I failed the first one. Darn you, Christmas sweets!) - and although it's not exactly the way I wanted to spend my day (catching up on sleep would have been much better!) - it gave me a lot of time to reflect on events of the past year.
Last year I wrote this on my birthday:
- Today is my birthday.
I had a completely different post planned – a 10 Year Vision post, like this one by Amber – but my mind has been stuck in the past lately. Instead of picturing myself ten years in the future, I can’t seem to shake the image of the girl that I was ten years ago – lost, but desperately searching – and comparing that image with who I am today. It’s funny … I have everything that girl thought she wanted: a life far outside the borders of the small town I grew up in, a husband who loves me, a happy, healthy little boy, a good career … but somehow, I feel as if the girl version of me had it a lot more together than the current version does. That girl was lost, but searching – this girl may no longer be lost (or at least, that’s the appearance she tries to portray …) but has become jaded.
So very, very jaded.
But I’ve (finally!) come to realize that I can only blame other people for so long.
I can only blame Church for so long.
The truth is that it’s nobody’s fault but my own …
A lot of the time, we don’t have any control over what happens to us – but we DO have control over how we react to it.
I didn’t react very well four years ago – and that has led to four years of distrust. Anger. Bitterness.
And a whole host of other ugly, ugly things ...
But it stops now.
Here’s to a new year – and a new beginning.
I feel like writing that post - even though I never shared it publicly - was a turning point. It was as if putting those thoughts into words made me actually aware of them - so I could work to change them. I'm still not where I want to be - I still feel far away from God. I still feel like a frightened, insecure shell of the passionate and confident girl who moved to Alberta to work at a youth ranch and eventually complete a degree in youth ministry.
But maybe that's just life. Maybe we all go through ups and downs like that in our faith journey.
I've been reminded of a few things this year:
I've been reminded that getting close to God takes effort and discipline on my part, but how it's so completely worth it. How much more grateful and worshipful I am when I spend time in the Word.
I've been reminded how small I am and how big God is - and how He is in control. Even when I don't understand, and even when it hurts - He's still God. He's still on His throne. That's a lesson I seem to learn over and over again - but it's always true. Maybe someday I'll remember it when I"m "in the thick of things" so I actually run TOWARD God instead of away from Him ...
I've been reminded how blessed I am. Even if I never receive anything else - I've already been abundantly blessed. Especially with my little family. Topher can be a challenge some days but even then my love for him is nowhere near God's love for me. For all of us. And I can be a lot more stubborn and rebellious than my little man! (Hey, he had to get that attitude from somewhere, right?)
I can only wait and see what faith (and life!) lessons the next year holds ...