A few days ago I had my first meltdown since starting this whole "work at home mom" gig. Five days in. Not too shabby.
Monday - well, it was the perfect storm.
- I was overtired - Ellie was up for the day at 5:40 a.m. despite being up multiple times throughout the night. Add to that the fact that Topher was also up during the night and you have one exhausted mama.
- I was stressed about work.
- I was overwhelmed with trying to keep up with household chores in addition to juggling work and taking care of the littles.
- I was worried about money. Am I making enough? Am I doing enough?
- Bikr is back up for sale. Enough said on that topic ...
- And Nathan's grandma had a stroke on Monday. (She had surgery and is alert and doing reasonably well, but we won't know more until later in the week once the swelling around her brain has gone down …)
Now that I'm thinking a tiny bit more rationally than I was on Monday evening, I've realized something.
I was feeling unappreciated. Being a mom is hard. It doesn't matter if you work at home or outside the home or not at all - IT.IS.HARD. I've been feeling like … well, like I'm giving up so much, making so many sacrifices to make this staying home thing work - and nobody seems to notice. I'm putting my career on hold, my dreams on the back burner, and walking around like a zombie most days (JUST LEARN HOW TO SLEEP, ELLINORE!) - for what? Between my work and his church commitments, I see my husband one evening a week - and by that point we're both so tired that we usually spend it zoning out in front of the TV. My three-year-old is a terror - I know a big part of it this week is the fact that he's overtired (two kids in the same room is not working out!) - but spitting on me? Is that really necessary?
I've actually spent some time this week looking for a job, thinking at least then I'd have a break. I'd have a half an hour for lunch that was MY time. I could actually get things finished! I could wear nice clothes and have grown up conversations! I could go to the bathroom without little hands reaching under the door!
But it's not about me.
It's not even about them, really …
It's about being obedient.
I know I'm where I'm supposed to be, doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
I need to remember that the Lord is my strength.
Not checking things off my to-do list.
Not having a clean house.
Not being the perfect mom or the perfect wife.
I'm not enough - but He is.